I’m a living artifact. A time traveler

A vessel of memories bottled up so tight, there were times I could taste its bitterness as it threatened to spill forth.

Thankfully it never did. But there were a few close calls.

That one time during the second solstice, the lunar ellipse 2 years ago, Fern’s birthday – joyous moments marred by its presence.

I know it’s always there. Ready and waiting.

Starting with the slightest pressure in my throat, in the hollow between my collarbone before blooming up into my jaw. A numbness spreads across my fingertips, giving way to a mild tingling. My tongue feels heavy, swollen, dry.

That’s when the internal chaos erupts. My chest starts pounding, ears ringing.

Memories – I’m going back in time. No, no, no, stop. I’m too old for this.

But I’m there again, the thick, sour smoke, the ground trembling, roiling. Shouting, constant shouting. Brightness first, then the searing heat that followed.

People, there one moment, gone the next. The best way I’ve heard it described is, evaporated. Their entire existence, their lived existence – vanished.

Like some sick illusion. Except it wasn’t.

How am I considered one of the lucky ones?

So many were lost. Those that came back were destroyed, all hope tarnished by the abyss of war. Their gazes so glassy, it was like they had no soul.

Maybe I should have taken up offers from bright eyed journalists back in the day and written a book, articles, something.

Create an immutable relic to anchor our past.

If only I could find the courage, real courage, to face and conquer all these demons.

There was no way we could have fully prepared ourselves for this. No way.

All these thoughts, feelings, washed over me in an instant. The veneer of calm remained.

I quickly scan the room. No one is ever the wiser – or so I think. Sometimes I think he’s onto me.

Over time, I’d grown to co-exist with it, tame it even. Like a condemned, unwanted version of an invisible friend.

His gaze is on that photo – I was young and eager, had something to prove. One of the millions who were convinced they were doing the right thing to protect the ones we love.

With a narrative like that, you’d go your entire life holding onto the guilt if you didn’t jump on the bandwagon.

Words like “safety”, “protection”, “honor”, “love”.

Innocuous, until pregnant with meaning, value and contexts to whip up feelings and emotions. Eventually becoming a different animal altogether.

That’s right, I couldn’t have just stayed behind. We wouldn’t have won otherwise.

My self-soothing thoughts punctuated by the platoon chief’s rallying cry – “We call on those who are able, to step up and defend Terra – protect and defend your home”

I couldn’t help but smirk, just a little.

Inside, I’m terrified and I know he is too.

Lighting has managed to strike the same place twice.